Monday, September 21, 2015

Whereas all things belong to MPs, MLAs and MLCs, now therefore, we must take them as our kings

WHEREAS the Government of Karnataka has circulated a draft bill allegedly to remove the colonial-era dress code of pants and shoes in private clubs,

AND WHEREAS the colonial rule is unpopular with Indians in general and the Tamil Nadu Government handled it in a mature manner by simply banning the ban on veshti/dhoti,

AND WHEREAS the Karnataka Government is using the veshti ban as an excuse to pursue ulterior motives, namely to turn the said clubs into playthings of politicians and their hangers-on,

NOW, THEREFORE, in order to let the people know of politicians' plans to appropriate private clubs to themselves, and to warn them that this is the first of several appropriation moves that will follow if people are not alert against the new dhoti politics, let it be known that the real bill the State Government wishes to pass in the sixty-sixth year of the Republic of India is as follows:

1.Short title. (1) This Act may be called The Karnataka Belongs to Politicians (Removal of All Restrictions and Conferment of All Rights to Go Anywhere and Demand Anything) Act 2015. (2) It shall come into force with retrospective effect from August 15, 1947. More important, it shall never expire.

2.Definitions. In this Act, unless the state decrees otherwise, some old definitions shall be changed in order to preserve our culture, custom and heritage. Accordingly,

(a)'Government' shall mean the repository of all wisdom, not subject to questioning by anyone under the Sun.
(b)'Public Places' shall mean and include any place the political leaders of the land wish to occupy, not excluding clubs, parks, lakes, public roads, private homes, kitchens and bathrooms, whether incorporated or not.
(c)'People' shall henceforth mean those with the right to rule and to whom everything belongs. Those who were hitherto known as people, such as tax payers and voters, shall henceforth be known as Census Digits.

3.Removal of restriction of entry. This clause is retained as in the original bill because it was the crux of the whole matter, namely that no person wearing a veshti (dhoti) reflecting Kannada culture shall be denied entry into any public space.

4.Allotment of membership to privileged persons. (1) In so far as the veshti clause has won the approval of all patriotic persons, the bill can now proceed to its real intent and purpose which is that under this Act, no membership shall be denied to MPs, MLAs, MLCs or to persons with meritorious contributions such as IAS and KAS luminaries, police officers and police drivers who beat up club security guards who ask for their car pass. The rights of these meritorious "people" shall prevail over perceived rights of Census Digits. (2) No club shall issue any circular, instruction or guideline so as to prescribe unreasonable membership fee on "people", anything above one rupee per annum being defined as unreasonable.

5.Public places other than Clubs. Since the Government considers it but fair that the rules and regulations applicable to private clubs should not be denied to private hotels and restaurants, all five-star establishments are required under this Act to make rooms and dining table reservations available on demand to MPs, MLAs, MLCs and the luminaries, officers and drivers mentioned in Clause 4 above. No unreasonable fee shall be levied for this service, anything above one rupee for a hotel room and five rupees for a five-course dinner with French wine being considered unreasonable for purposes of law.

6.Abolition of Private Places. Notwithstanding any rule or bylaw of welfare associations, MPs, MLAs, MLCs, the luminaries and drivers mentioned in Clauses 4 and 5 above shall have the absolute right to make use of the gym, swimming pool and other facilities of any housing welfare association in the state, without paying membership or usage fee. Residents who pay maintenance charges should consider it a privilege to have MPs, MLAs, MLCs, IAS-IPS officers and their drivers as freeloading guests in their private premises.

STATEMENT OF OBJECTS AND REASONS. It has been the noble tradition of India to be ruled by kings and nawabs. Under democracy, modern kings and nawabs are known as MPs, MLAs, MLCs, IAS-IPS officers and their honourable drivers. It is the privilege of Census Digits to surrender all they have to the aforementioned kings and nawabs. This way our state's progress will be guaranteed, the shameful power cuts will end, Bengaluru's potholes will be reduced from three million to one million and not a drop of Cauvery water will have to go to Tamil Nadu. Cheers!